We refer to the No-Cry methodology for everything(including babymaking) and this time or topic is no different. It's not that your child never cries but it's the idea that you give him and yourself consistent education and realistic expectations to start with. (I'm going to use him cuz I've got a boy, it's subject to change) This particular book, the only one that I've actually read instead of just looking at the pictures(they commonly have kids sitting on the potty holding newspapers and such), uses a very simple idea, observe and educate before introducing the potty to your toddler. How do you know when your child is ready? You take the readiness pre-test.
We've taken the pre-test periodically for the last year, and we finally seem ready to begin. How did we know? We don't for sure but keeping all the pee and poop confined to diapers seems like a pretty restricted way treat it, almost inhumane. (Not that poop is human but after dealing with too much of it, it begins to take on it's own terminology and occupies alot of time)
Seriously, he started telling us more and more frequently that he was wet or poopy and needed a diaper change. In short, he's becoming uncomfortable with having a dirty diaper on his butt.
So, yesterday we embarked on our potty seat journey as a family. Dylan picked out his new Lightning McQueen and Mickey Mouse underwear and I paid for them. Dylan wore big boy pants for the first time, peed in them while on our couch and Mommy cleaned it up. I'm especially grateful for Tricia's clean-up part and very proud of my little boy for his understanding about what happened to the couch and who was responsible for it. He never got upset, from what mommy said, but did repeatedly point out the spot on the couch and describe it as pee pee spot.
Today, Dylan not only peed in the potty but pooped in it as well. Of course, we called mommy after each one to tell her how proud Dylan was of himself. Right now, my main objective is to offer the potty at diaper changes and introduce the underwear in the evenings, in between our normal diaper changes, when we are home to observe. Ideally, we can help him diagnose the need to pee or poop before many accidents occur.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
R and R for the SAHD or
Bockfest 2008..... as someone said while waiting in line, "they should call it waiting-in-line fest". We waited 2.5 hours for 3 beers a piece(9 total), and two(6) of the beers were bought at the same time. You may think that 9 beers or 3 a piece shouldn't be enough to get you drunk, well then you should come along next year and try it yourself.
You can really only see the crowd that's under the awning, but know that the line is about five times as long in all directions.
Calm and collected in spite of the fish frenzy.
Of course you can stand on the table! How else am I going to catch a fish head or beads in this cup? Now stop taking pictures of me!
Me and the self proclaimed queen of bock.
Can you imagine 600 people (or more) standing in a group trying to catch one of these? What is it? The remains of a smoked chub, you see when the chub hits anything it disintegrates into thousands of pieces. Why? Cuz if you catch a fish head and take it to the bartender you get a free beer. (in the same cup as the fish head) Why? Cuz you're drinking Blonde Dopple Bock ( or apple box according to Brian) and you're drunk!
Brian and Betsy.
You can really only see the crowd that's under the awning, but know that the line is about five times as long in all directions. 
Calm and collected in spite of the fish frenzy. 
Of course you can stand on the table! How else am I going to catch a fish head or beads in this cup? Now stop taking pictures of me!
Me and the self proclaimed queen of bock.
Can you imagine 600 people (or more) standing in a group trying to catch one of these? What is it? The remains of a smoked chub, you see when the chub hits anything it disintegrates into thousands of pieces. Why? Cuz if you catch a fish head and take it to the bartender you get a free beer. (in the same cup as the fish head) Why? Cuz you're drinking Blonde Dopple Bock ( or apple box according to Brian) and you're drunk!
Brian and Betsy. Friday, February 22, 2008
The Perfect Valentine
...it was an amazing idea. Order a pregnant lady Non-alcoholic wine for a present. How could it go wrong? Well, in the fine print, on the delivery contract is a contingency where the winery reserves the right to delay a shipment of NA wine if the recipients weather is inclement, preventing it from freezing. Which is very noble and makes sense. The winery is in California. Wisconsin is in the frozen tundra, or so it seems this year. When will the order arrive in Madison? Keep in mind I ordered it on the 12th of February. It's now the 22nd of February and there's been no sign of action despite a charge to my bank account. This has peaked my interest because I've been billed and becuase my wife really likes wine or a decent tasting NA wine. Oh, and Valentine's day was 8 days ago. Soon she will forget what the wine was for, please send the wine!!!
Maybe I can understand why the shipment was delayed if I knew the actual definition of inclement weather, so here goes:
Inclement - Courtesy of dictionary.com
1.(of the weather, the elements, etc.) severe, rough, or harsh; stormy.
2.not kind or merciful.
hhhhmmmmm...over 80 inches of snow, very cold(0-20 degrees), seems pretty severe to me and I'm living in it. Image hearing about this weather while you're sipping real wine and sunny yourself on the beach, the country east of the rockies is inclement. I don't think the wine will arrive until May and by that time our second child will be here and my wife will be drinking like a sailor again. I'd rather unthaw the frozen NA wine, broken bottle and all, than wait for the merciful weather to return. At least this way she'll remember the wine as a Valentine's gift instead of a huge letdown after all the waiting.
Maybe I can understand why the shipment was delayed if I knew the actual definition of inclement weather, so here goes:
Inclement - Courtesy of dictionary.com
1.(of the weather, the elements, etc.) severe, rough, or harsh; stormy.
2.not kind or merciful.
hhhhmmmmm...over 80 inches of snow, very cold(0-20 degrees), seems pretty severe to me and I'm living in it. Image hearing about this weather while you're sipping real wine and sunny yourself on the beach, the country east of the rockies is inclement. I don't think the wine will arrive until May and by that time our second child will be here and my wife will be drinking like a sailor again. I'd rather unthaw the frozen NA wine, broken bottle and all, than wait for the merciful weather to return. At least this way she'll remember the wine as a Valentine's gift instead of a huge letdown after all the waiting.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
NA wine that tastes good??? part 1
I'm very skeptical of anything that's supposed to be alcoholic, like beer or wine, but is advertised as tasting good or award winning without the alcohol. We're(Tricia and I) going to taste some wines(and beer) and let you know what we think. Sometimes grape juice or root beer are the only viable alternatives and that sucks. (I've often thought that giving up alcohol during my wife's pregnancies, for support and suffering, would be a noble thing to do but then I really think about it and realize that I'm stupid and only one of us should be suffering. )
What we've tasted so far:
Wine -
Beer
** - Tricia will buy this
*** - Typically have this in our frigerator, if it's time for drinking NA
What we've tasted so far:
Wine -
- Fre' brand - sucks entirely, but can and will be drank if there is nothing else available (including water) This is available everywhere and if you like wine out of a box, in really large jugs, or you periodically confuse grape juice for wine....this is the stuff for you.
- Ariel - Tricia had a blush when we went out for dinner(that one time 6 months ago). She said it was the "best NA wine" she'd tasted, whatever that means. http://www.arielvineyards.com/index.html You can even order on-line if it's not carried at your local grocery or liquor store.
Beer
- Clausthaler - ***
- St. Pauli Girl NA - *
- Kaliber - **
- Odouls - *
- Odouls Amber - ***favorite of Tricia.
- My thought can be summed by saying, they all taste like apples.
** - Tricia will buy this
*** - Typically have this in our frigerator, if it's time for drinking NA
Monday, February 11, 2008
Omega 3 and 6?
Why are these so important? And, why is my brother-in-law pestering me about them? It's possible that he's concerned about my pregnant wife and his nephew. It's also possible that he's trying to make me crazy. Well, let's see what I can find out from the quickest research source for lazy people, the internet and my friend wikipedia.
Wikipedia says the Omega 3 fatty acids found in fish oil and also to a lesser extent in fish meat, in general, may have positive effects on anything from arthitis, cholestrol, infant immune development, memory loss, depression. To put it lightly, we need these.
Omega 3 essential fatty acids and a primary source there of:
DHA , EPA, Fish oil
ALA - most vegetable oils
Omega 6 sources - nuts, whole grain, eggs and poultry.
Omega 6 included the 3 fatty acids plus more. There are also Omega 9 fatty acids but these can be produced by our body and don't need to be part of our diet.
This is a bit disjointed but the research cited at wikipedia also says that too much of these elements will have negative effects on your health. (Including but not limited to the elements that it has positive effects on)
In short and after doing five to ten minutes of reading....go back to the rule with Alcohol or things in general.....everything in moderation. Eat a wide variety of foods in small portions. Wow, how anti-american, I'm almost disappointed with myself!
My brother-in-law and my sister have told me this before but sometimes, as the juvenile that I am, I've got to find it out for myself. I hope they're as accomodating about receiving advice as they are at giving it.
Wikipedia says the Omega 3 fatty acids found in fish oil and also to a lesser extent in fish meat, in general, may have positive effects on anything from arthitis, cholestrol, infant immune development, memory loss, depression. To put it lightly, we need these.
Omega 3 essential fatty acids and a primary source there of:
DHA , EPA, Fish oil
ALA - most vegetable oils
Omega 6 sources - nuts, whole grain, eggs and poultry.
Omega 6 included the 3 fatty acids plus more. There are also Omega 9 fatty acids but these can be produced by our body and don't need to be part of our diet.
This is a bit disjointed but the research cited at wikipedia also says that too much of these elements will have negative effects on your health. (Including but not limited to the elements that it has positive effects on)
In short and after doing five to ten minutes of reading....go back to the rule with Alcohol or things in general.....everything in moderation. Eat a wide variety of foods in small portions. Wow, how anti-american, I'm almost disappointed with myself!
My brother-in-law and my sister have told me this before but sometimes, as the juvenile that I am, I've got to find it out for myself. I hope they're as accomodating about receiving advice as they are at giving it.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Biting......on the face or anywhere.
So, on Tuesday, Lois bit Dylan three times. All in the same situation, Dylan had stopped playing with a toy. Lois grabbed the toy and Dylan tried to take it back. Lois bit Dylan's hand. Lois was immediately sat down in a chair and told not to bite. Dylan was told not to fight over toys.
Today at playgroup. Everything was going fine until we started to put things away. From what I saw, which was the actual bite, Dylan was either pushing Lois or giving her a hug. I'm pretty sure he was pushing her and admitted to it later, but after I prodded him for it. Anyway, Lois bit him on the cheek. Dylan immediately started screaming and crying. He's fine but will have a scratch/contusion and a nice bruise.
So, I'm going to go over the suggested methods to stop a toddler from biting. This suggestion is from The Baby Book by the Sear family of doctors, they've written how to parenting books pertaining to everything from discipline, sleeping, ADD, and the successful child.
Here's what they suggest. (I'm assuming that most literature will say similiar things, but I'll look into it and edit this post if I need to)
Today at playgroup. Everything was going fine until we started to put things away. From what I saw, which was the actual bite, Dylan was either pushing Lois or giving her a hug. I'm pretty sure he was pushing her and admitted to it later, but after I prodded him for it. Anyway, Lois bit him on the cheek. Dylan immediately started screaming and crying. He's fine but will have a scratch/contusion and a nice bruise.
So, I'm going to go over the suggested methods to stop a toddler from biting. This suggestion is from The Baby Book by the Sear family of doctors, they've written how to parenting books pertaining to everything from discipline, sleeping, ADD, and the successful child.
Here's what they suggest. (I'm assuming that most literature will say similiar things, but I'll look into it and edit this post if I need to)
- Teach Alternatives. Give a baby words and gestures to express feelings.
- Track the trigger. Keep a diary of what circumstances set off agressive behavior, such as fighting over toys and tiredness. Get behind the eyes of your child to see what trivggers the biting. What causes it?
- Tame the play. If you see a mean streak or an aggressive streak coming try and tone down the play. Talk about the difference betwen bear hugs (good for mom and dad) and bunny hugs (good for fellow toddlers). Overall, balance aggressive play with gentle play.
- Actively supervise. Keep an eye on the whole play situation, with others, so you can isolate the biter as soon as it happens. Reinforce the isolation with appropriate admonitions, such as, "biting hurts and it's wrong to hurt, and we're going to sit on the chair to think about why you should not bite". If a child can talk and understands, encourage an "I'm sorry". The child needs to connect biting with an immediate removal from the scene of the crime. Teaching that an undesirable behavior leads to undersirable consequences.
- Remove the spotlight. If the baby is biting for attention, channel baby into more socially acceptable attention-getting habits. Praise his good behavior and down-grade the importance of biting.
- Model, model, model. A baby that lives with aggression becomes aggressive. Example, a toddler hitting his mother, where upon she immediately lashed out, "Don't hit me," as she slapped his hand. It's obvious where the child is getting the behavior. Absolutely, don't bite your child back!
- Show and tell. If he won't take your word for it, here is a technique that parents have used successfully to make the point: press your child's forearm against his upper teeth as if he were biting himself, but not in a punitive, angry way. Reinforce his self-produced marks on his own arm with "see, biting hurts!" Administer this self-biting lesson immediately after your child bites someone, so that he makes the connection that biting hurts.
- Hurt relationships. It is important to get your child right about biting. It can potentially ruin your relationships between other parents.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
TV viewing - monitor and limit
I think I knew this already and I'm disappointed with myself, in regards to, about the amount of unsupervised TV watching that I allow Dylan to do. That being said, it doesn't hurt to read some current articles here and there. All this reading does is make you feeling a bit nervous about the choices you're making as a parent. We all know that study's are conducted to contradict common practices. So, be careful not to jump on a large bandwagon without doing your own research.
One article, but far from the only one, at babycenternews.com entitled- TV and Kids: New study fuels debate, claims to have research that proves that watching over two hours of TV a day can and will cause attention problems in adolscense. Upto and under 2 hours of television watching per day has about the same impact. As you add each additional hour of tv watching the attention problems with these children increase. These findings are said to cross lines of social economics, gender, early attention problems, and early cognitive ability.
Other articles on this site offer suggestions that seem obvious as well. When watching TV, watch it with your child. Ask them questions about the content, to ensure there comprehension. But above all, be interested in what they're watching. The overall suggestion, make watching TV like not watching TV, make it an interactive, tactile, and sharing experience. Seems pretty cut and dried to me.
Yet, another study offers a link to dysfunctional families, childhood obsetiy, language development, violent behavior and early sexual activity. I think we might be reaching here, but the egg did come before the chicken. Right?
Wanna be enlightened too? .....if you dare. The more I read the less I want to know. I'm done reading up on the subject. Moral to the story - play with your kids!!
http://www.whitedot.org/issue/iss_story.asp?slug=ADHD%20Toddlers
http://www.umext.maine.edu/onlinepubs/htmpubs/4100.htm
One article, but far from the only one, at babycenternews.com entitled- TV and Kids: New study fuels debate, claims to have research that proves that watching over two hours of TV a day can and will cause attention problems in adolscense. Upto and under 2 hours of television watching per day has about the same impact. As you add each additional hour of tv watching the attention problems with these children increase. These findings are said to cross lines of social economics, gender, early attention problems, and early cognitive ability.
Other articles on this site offer suggestions that seem obvious as well. When watching TV, watch it with your child. Ask them questions about the content, to ensure there comprehension. But above all, be interested in what they're watching. The overall suggestion, make watching TV like not watching TV, make it an interactive, tactile, and sharing experience. Seems pretty cut and dried to me.
Yet, another study offers a link to dysfunctional families, childhood obsetiy, language development, violent behavior and early sexual activity. I think we might be reaching here, but the egg did come before the chicken. Right?
Wanna be enlightened too? .....if you dare. The more I read the less I want to know. I'm done reading up on the subject. Moral to the story - play with your kids!!
http://www.whitedot.org/issue/iss_story.asp?slug=ADHD%20Toddlers
http://www.umext.maine.edu/onlinepubs/htmpubs/4100.htm
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Activities and time.
Are there any study's that cover suggested times and activities for healthy brain and social development?
I don't think bringing up a child devoid of computers, tv, or books and stories is healthy. Is there a suggested happy medium? Sure monitor but don't exclude access to things that other kids will have access to or will be paramont to there lives. (this doesn't necessarily pertain to my 2.5 year old yet but I'd like to be proactive about it)
I don't think bringing up a child devoid of computers, tv, or books and stories is healthy. Is there a suggested happy medium? Sure monitor but don't exclude access to things that other kids will have access to or will be paramont to there lives. (this doesn't necessarily pertain to my 2.5 year old yet but I'd like to be proactive about it)
Thoughts?
Back to the drawing board....cutting and pasting is not enough. More original thoughts will be required to satisfy the reader(mommy). I thought by drawing from a few sources that this would be adequate but I was mistaken. That, also, could due to the content of my orginal post. It's hard to quantify and offer concrete answers, becuase it stems from a feeling of uncertainty and that's deeply personal. The idea that your unique like everybody else doesn't help a pregnant lady with concerns about loving and caring for a second child.
Perhaps, a few posts from the concerned one would allow more understanding of the feelings that are being experienced. It's also possible that she won't deal well with typing your feelings and thoughts in written form as I do. Oh, well it's a thought anyway. I figure if I have enough of them, thoughts, I might come up with one that helps someone or works to address the problem.
Lois will be here soon, so I'll talk to you soon.
Perhaps, a few posts from the concerned one would allow more understanding of the feelings that are being experienced. It's also possible that she won't deal well with typing your feelings and thoughts in written form as I do. Oh, well it's a thought anyway. I figure if I have enough of them, thoughts, I might come up with one that helps someone or works to address the problem.
Lois will be here soon, so I'll talk to you soon.
Monday, February 4, 2008
2nd baby like the first? Mommy's feelings
Like I said in the previous post. These are natural feelings that Tricia and I are realizing. But to a larger extent Tricia is dealing with them sooner because, well, she just does that. Tricia is a planner and I'm a re-acter. It's that simple. So my way of helping her plan and deal with the second baby is by assembling information that we can read and talk about together. This also scores points in my corner for Daddy fieldtrips to the bar and varies activities that are void of children and spouse. So, I'm investing in my future. I might be turning a corner where I can see the planner that I'm becoming, even if it's only a planner that arranges my drinking/partying endeveares. It's still planning.
I'm attempting to compile a few articles and research findings to illustrate a range of feelings that are experienced by other women pregnant with there second child.
A few thoughts from www.helium.com - about what helium.com is about.
Who are our writers? People like you who might have a career in marketing but know more about killing crabgrass than anyone else. People who work in the post office but have raised five honors students. Ex-teachers who love to write and writers who love to teach. We’re not a blog or a collection of edited encyclopedic listings. We are a vast resource of experience-based knowledge, wisdom and creativity. We welcome a variety of voices and opinions. Above all,
we’re a community serious about writing articles of lasting value. Our writers are also our editors.
by Sara Johnson
"I cannot do this. I just CAN'T." I hear that in my own head all too often these days. Nearing the end of my second pregnancy, I'm feeling oddly inadequate, insufficient, and to be blunt, unloved. I know it's ridiculous, as any parent of a toddler knows, you are needed and loved unconditionally. However as I'm about to go from being a mother of one to being a mother of two, I feel as though I won't know how to handle the new baby, and I know I'm not alone.
Fears of an impending expansion to a family effect everyone involved. Older siblings feel they may be left out. Fathers worry about the extra financial responsibility. Everyone knows these things. But who thinks about how the mother feels? Well I'm here to let you know that these feelings are not only okay, but natural, normal and healthy as well.
When my first child was born a year and a half ago, I had no fears. I knew how to handle newborns. Changing, feeding, bathing, it all came naturally to me. I had nieces and nephews I'd cared for. I'd babysat. I had a little sister. I didn't worry about sleep. I didn't worry about routines or schedules. I was excited and counted down to the very second she was born. But now...I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my second daughter, and I'm scared half to death. Will she fall into my 18-month-old's schedule? Will she keep me up all night? Will she wake my toddler at night if they share a room? Will she have colic like my first? My mind is riddled with questions. And I'm EXTREMELY nervous.
So I went to the first person all women go to with questions of parenting, my mother. Come to find out, I wasn't alone. "The first one is easy. You let them do their own thing and develop their own system of when things get done and how and you just follow along, guiding them. Then, you have the second one. Everything seems like it's going overboard. New schedule, new routine. But trust me, it's going to be okay." And that's all my mother said. But was she right?
Turns out, she was. Baby's are incredibly adaptable. It may take them a few weeks to settle into life outside your tummy, but once they do, they fit right in. Yes, my toddler may have trouble sleeping for a few nights once the new baby comes. Sure, she may be jealous of her new baby sister at first. I know I may not get all of the naps I do now during the day after I deliver, but all of that's okay. I will manage. I will juggle toddler and newborn feeding habits, potty habits, and sleep habits. I will have enough time and love for both of my children, my husband, and myself. I will make it through, day by day. And so will you. Because nothing is as important as bringing life into the world, and nothing that important could ever keep a mom down.
The Berkeley Parenting Network - contains thousands of pages of recommendations and advice contributed by members of the Berkeley Parents Network, a parent-to-parent email network for the community of parents in the Berkeley, California area. Formerly called "UCB Parents", this network is run by a group of volunteer parents in their "spare" time. We've been doing it since 1993. Many busy parents have taken the time to enlighten and inform us with their suggestions, their wisdom, and their experience, archived here for all who need it.
Here's a thread that I thought was appropriate for us.
Pregnant with second child and feeling apprehensive
March 2000
I have a one year old daughter and am almost 5 months pregnant with another baby. I've been in emotional turmoil ever since I found out I was pregnant with all sorts of guilt and reluctant feelings. Obviously we are thrilled to be pregnant again. We DID want to have our children close together in age but this close was, indeed, a surprise. My emotions range from anger that we could let this happen to extreme guilt with my daughter for not being there 100% for her now (as I'm pregnant) and in the future when we have a newborn. I feel like I, now, can't give her all I would I want to give her emotionally and physically. I'm somehow "jealous" of my time with her. I also just CANNOT imagine loving another child as much as I love and adore her and I have this horrifyingly, awful fear that the new baby would feel less loved and wanted. I know I've heard people say this sort of statement before...but truly I can't imagine it. Are people really being honest when they say they DO love their second children just as much? Aren't the first ones so special? Will I have just as strong feelings for our new baby? I would like to hear from other parents who have been through this same situation. I appreciate your help.
I am a mother of two, and I have a couple of thoughts on the second child issue. It is a fact that your relationship with your first child is unlike your relationship with any later children. The arrival of your first child transformed you into a parent. That is one of the most intense experiences of anyone's life. Your feelings toward your first child will always be affected by this unique experience you shared. Second, remember that although your first child will lose something when she has to share you, she will also gain something - a brother or sister! Now, she may not always appreciate the wonderfulness of this gift, especially when they are both little, but in the long run she will. My kids are four years apart, so the older one and I had an exclusive relationship (I am a single parent) for four years before the second one came along. So we have a history together that is not shared with the younger one. Also, the second does get the short end of the stick in many ways, she gets the hand-me-down clothes & toys, the older one is the leader in choosing most activities, what to watch on TV, etc. I frankly find the older one's life and thoughts more interesting just because she's older, and she always will be ... so does this mean I love the second one less? I don't know, it's just different. Second kids are resilient, they've never been an only kid so it seems natural to them to share a parent. I'll be interested in hearing what other people have to say!
What you describe is what every Mom who loves her first child feels. It seems so disloyal to have a second, and so self-evident that there is no way you could love another child as you do the one you already have. But believe me, when the second child comes you will love him or her as intensely as you love the first. You will never love them the same; they are different people. But you will love them both fiercely and without reservation. I felt exactly as you did when pregnant with my second. My first child was my wonderful and unique bundle of brilliance and intensity. My second child is my warm little ray of sunshine. They are so very different, and my relationships with them so completely different, but I cannot imagine life without either one of them. As to depriving the first, there is a reality to the concern: time is finite, and sharing Mom means less time. But a sibling is a net positive, not a negative. My parents' best gifts to me were my three siblings.
My sister is 16 months younger than me. When she was born, rather than being jealous, I treated her as a wonderful new doll, as my mom tells. It was wonderful to grow up with her.
How could you possibly connect with any other child as you do with this one? The reason you'll be able to do so is the same reason you're now able to connect with your daughter: You're unique. So is she. So is your second child. You'll create and grow a whole new relationship with this next one, just as you did with his or her sister.
Think about this: Back before you had any children, could you imagine ever loving someone the way you do your daughter? But you do now. Trust me--or, rather, trust yourself: you really do have it in you to adore your second child and be a good mother to both.
(This also sounds like support group time to me. If you can't find one listed in Parents' Press or something, place an ad there or in the Express--or right here in the UCB parents' network--and start your own group. It's truly worth the babysitter money.)
My second son was a complete surprise -- we had just decided to stop having kids! -- and I was happy to hear I was pregnent, yet... I spent a lot of my pregnancy ignoring the baby yet worrying about it; mourning the loss of my alone time with my older son; worrying I would never love this new baby like I love my older son; mad that I could not go back to work as I had planned; and angry that I would not get the "me" time I was craving now that a baby was coming. He was born - awful labor and delivery - and I loved him, but it was not the same as my first. I did everything I was supposed to do and cared, but... It took a good three months for me to fall in love with him. Now, I cannot imagine my life or family without him. I was (am) able to love both my children - differently since they are different people -- but equally. To top it off, I am an only child so I was nervous about the whole sibling thing. My older son was thrilled to have a brother and was rarely jealous (until now - 20 months later). I truly do love both my chidren and I realized when my second was born that the best thing I ever gave my older son was a sibling AND that this second child filled a hole in our family that I didn't realize was there until he arrived. Hope this helps.
To the mom who is experiencing intense emotions around pregnancy with the 2nd child: I think you are well within the range of what is called normal. Your description of feelings reminds me of how I used to get when my hormones were high, low and/ or running amok, especially as during pregnancy. I almost felt as if I had been taken over by another being, which, in a sense, is literally the case, but I experienced it in a much more Sci-Fi kind of way, as if I were on Heavy Drugs. I believe that hormones do affect some (not all) sensitive women that way, and I have been one. Since I am a feminist, I don't think I am being sexist, either, in reporting that some women do have lower thresholds for hormone reactions. I am a nurse as well, and it reminds me of some (not all) people's sensitivity to drugs. I was the owner of a whacked out menarche-adolescence (bad depression, suicidal ideation), horrific PMS (the chain saw murders, cars off cliffs kind), a pregnancy that produced a mental state like waking dreams, an unbelievable 3 day home labor (and birth) that felt like repeated shotgun blasts to the abdomen for the duration, and years later D and C for which I was given Pitocin (oxytocin, the hormone that causes uterine contractions and is connected to lactation) and had florid hallucinations--the real thing-- until the second it was discontinued, and a menopause that is like a train wreck connected to a fatal disease that I have described as PMS to the 400th power experienced while hallucinating on an LSD overdose. Other than these episodes, I have been fine and had a good life! I wish someone had early on given me an owner's manual for this body! It even fooled a nurse.
So for a pregnant mom to be obsessing about the pregnancy and her life with closely- spaced kids sounds normal to me. And the words you used sound like the sort of hyper emotionality I experienced. Here are the ones I noticed in your post: anger --extreme guilt --"jealous" --CANNOT imagine loving another child as much as I love and adore her --horrifyingly, awful fear-- strong feelings. Pregnancy for some women feels like that. Welcome to the club, sister. You will probably feel a lot better after the baby has arrived. Finally, many people try to have 2 kids close together so they can be playmates. Such a deal. Hope you feel better.
I recall one evening, now long ago, pregnant with my son, on the phone with a friend of mine who runs a Montessori pre-school. And I was sharing my concerns about the loss of my relationship with my daughter (who turned two just after her brother's arrival). I vividly recall her saying that in fact having a sibling was the greatest gift I could give to my daughter, that I wouldn't love them in the same way but that the heart is capable of vastness. Today, our kids are best buddies, they kiss each other goodmorning and goodnight every day, they totally look out for each other, they certainly piss each other off but they know that they each belong to this family and to each other. They share a room and use each other as a workshop to learn about being a social being in the world. I go to great lengths to restrain myself from interfering and let them work things out, intervening only when there is physical pain inflicted from one to the other. I would definitely recommend Faber and Maslich's "Siblings Without Rivalry." And by the way, my kids are just shy of 6 1/2 and 4 1/2.
And yes, your relationship with your firstborn will change, and the change may involve some sadness and longing, but you are also adding immeasurably to each of your lives. And you will love your second differently, but I would venture no less. Each child brings so unique gifts to his or her family, regardless of birth order. Best wishes.
Being the older child in a family of two daughters born 18 months apart, I would offer this advice (which I wish someone could have given my own parents at the time.) BTW, I applaud your honesty, concern and willingness to seek advice on the issue.
* Give the older child as much of a role in the care and loving of the little one as possible. He-She'll be what, 14 months when her sibling is born? Before the baby is drinking out of cups she might be able to feed it from a bottle with a parent's supervision. I think this might be very important. If she has any inclination to, let her care for the baby as much as possible. When she's 3 or 4 maybe she can have the responsibility of "baby-sitting" while you're in another room or in the backyard. Most healthy baby's are way more resilient than we believe them to be. If the first child is a bit awkward in handling the baby (as long as it's not intentionally rough) the babe will survive and the children may bond. That's the most important thing.
* And pamper yourself so you don't feel martyred by the incredible demands on your time, sleep and sanity made by caring for two little ones. Maybe a weekly massage (my own chosen self-indulgence) or something like that.
* If things get bad, Get help! Good luck. I think your self-insight and openness to help will create a loving family.
July 1999
I am expecting my second child soon. Has anyone experienced apprehensions over having a second child, such as whether or not they would be able to equally love, and admire the second as the first? I also feel slightly worried that my husband and I might have rushed into having a second vs. working on some problems we are experiencing. I just can't imagine taking away from the attention that I now give to my daughter. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? Thank you in advance for any advice offered.
I think almost every mother alive has experienced apprehensions over having a second child. I had a hard time bonding with my second child, we had a difficult time establishing our nursing routine, etc. I cried in the pediatrician's office worried that I would never be able to love this child as much as my much beloved and admired first born. She gave me some very sage advice. She said, don't worry. As soon as you think you think you could never love one as much as the other they will flip-flop. And, now at ages 13 and 15 I can assure you that they have---and many times. We are currently in a stage where the 13 year old old is great fun to be with and the 15 year old not so. Relax, you will love them both. That said, you should know that the connection with that first born is a forever thing (which is why first borns can be so weird---sorry all you first borns, I'm a second born ;-) Re: problems with your husband---hang in there. After 20 years of marriage we have had dry spells and wonderful times, keep talking, keep loving, and don't expect perfection. July 1999
I, too, was apprehensive about having a second child. I was absolutely stunned to discover one day, while my first child was only 9 months old, that I was pregnant again. I immediately fell into a depression and felt like my whole world was falling apart. My daughter's pediatrician immediately noticed that I was unhappy about the pregnancy and questioned me closely about my feelings and our family life throughout my pregnancy. I even discussed having an abortion with my husband, which was a big step for me as I have a strong ethical opposition to abortion. I also felt that my marriage wasn't strong enough to justify a second child. In the end, I proceeded with the pregnancy, but all the way up until the day she was born, I had the same doubts about whether she was wanted and whether I would ever love her the way I did her older sister.
My second surprise came when she was born. All of my doubts vanished the moment I saw her, and I bonded to this child instantly in a way that took months with my first child. I didn't want to let anyone else feed her (and she felt the same way -- refused to have anything to do with a bottle), and I spent every moment of my maternity leave with her. The mother's group I had with my older daughter wanted to get together with me to see the new baby, and somehow I just couldn't find the time. I was too busy having those magical three months with just me and my infant. My husband just rolled his eyes over what he called the "love fest" between us, and I guess it was true. It was very difficult for him to get time with either one of us. Even now, at coming up on 4 years, my younger daughter and I have a stronger emotional bond with each other than with my older daughter or husband.
Oh, boy, I sure had these feelings and I'd bet so has every other mother (and father) of more than one child! There are lots of books and articles on the subject for you and your husband to look at.
Here's something simple I read that made me feel much better: A parent's love is like the flame of a candle. It will light one or many candles and never diminish. And the light grows with every newly lighted candle.
Another way to put it, the sum of a family's love is greater than its parts.
I had the same concerns when I was about to have my second child. My older son was barely two when my second son was born, and I was worried both that I wouldn't be able to love my second son as much as my first and that I wouldn't be able to give my first son the love and attention he needed after his brother was born. What I found instead was that I bonded deeply with my second son, but that my love for my older son stayed just as strong as it had been, and maybe even grew stronger when I saw him learning to be a big brother. And from the beginning, there was no question of having to take love away from one to give to the other. My experience is that it's not a question of whether I love them both "equally"--instead, I love them both totally, as if I'd grown a whole new heart for loving each of them. >From the beginning, each of them was such as individual that I responded to each one as an individual person. There's no doubt that you'll have less time for each of them than you did when you had only one--but I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as they both know that you love them. It's also possible to combine a lot of activities, like reading or singing to the older child while you nurse the younger child, or playing silly hide-and-seek games with both of them. (You'll have a lot less time for yourself, of course, but that's another story!) And there are real benefits for the children. My two little guys play a lot together and get a lot of enjoyment and companionship from each other, and they've each learned from each other, too--my four-year-old has had to learn to share (hard lesson!) and to take someone else's feelings into consideration, and my two-year-old has great physical skills because he's always trying to keep up with his older brother. They fight, too, of course, but on the whole I think that each of them has gotten a lot out of having a brother and they both know that my husband and I love them.
I felt exactly the same way. My son was only 16 months old when I had my second one. I remember holding my second son in the hospital, looking at him and wondering if I could love him as much as the first. My feelings must've changed within a day, for I don't remember asking myself that question any other time. I do remember feeling sorry for the older one for he was no longer the baby, and I felt that he was cheated out of fully enjoying that babyhood. but my boys have always been best friends and they feel very sorry for anyone else that does not have a sibling (they're now 18 and 19).
While I was pregnant with my second child I too felt extremely apprehensive about "messing up" a great family. After my second child was born, i don't think i boded with her as quickly as I did with number 1--none of the hours of "adoring" that I lavished on my first as a newborn. But after a few months (?) I did fall in love with her too. Now (4 yrs later) I am so happy that I had another child. The 2 kids love each other and mostly get along great (except when they're ready to strangle each other!).
So I want to say I've been there, and it will be hard, but I think you'll be glad you did it. A great book that you might enjoy (someone else also asked for a book about siblings sometime ago) is "Siblings without Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish, the same people who wrote "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and..."
I think it's completely normal (& even expected) to feel apprehensive about the upcoming birth of one's second child. Most people I've talked to have had these feelings and I know I certainly did. So much of my life and attention was (& still is!) focused on my first son that I couldn't imagine how I could find room for my second child. I also felt like my life as a parent finally had a rythym to it (he finally slept at night, didn't need to lug around all the baby paraphanalia any more etc) and I wasn't sure how I'd do once a second child came along. At times I even felt guilty that I would somehow let my first son down by having a second one! Just as all the questions and doubts that swirl around in the head of a parent expecting their first child have a way of dissapating once they hold their child and fall in love with him/her, so do doubts about one's second child. Taking care of the needs of 2 little people who rely on you can definately can be more stressful but you get progressively more creative to get everything done that needs to be done...and the house gets messier... Still, I love to see the evolving relationship between my sons, I'm more tired but I have no regrets even though I DID have lots of ambivalence during my pregnancy. Good Luck!
It took us years to work up to having a second child. We wanted the first one so very much, I thought only fair to hold off on the second until we wanted it just as much. Didn't happen--biology ruled otherwise. It wasn't a problem, though. I think most parents regard their first child as the World's First Baby, while for the second they have a more realistic perspective--we have dozens of photographs of our first child, and comparatively few of our second, poor thing!
But all that being said, we do love them equally. That's never been a problem. True, we weren't as gaga about #2 as we were about #1; but that's sentimentality, not love. Maybe #2 is a little better off for that--he's had love, not gush.
Regarding couple/marital problems: it's a good sign that they survived the first kid, but the second will stress the marriage too. Maybe this is a good time to work on them.
To respond to the poster asking whether marital stress was normal with the growing of a family: My husband and I have found it to be extremely hard on the marriage. We love our child very much and he was a wanted and planned baby, but our relationship has certainly been through a lot of rough patches since he joined our life! We began couples counseling 8 months ago, and bit by bit we're getting things back together. (Our situation is more complicated than some, to be sure.) Almost all of my friends from my mother's group have or are experiencing similar difficulties. In fact we've just decided to postpone getting pregnant with a second indefinitely - until we're less stressed, and our finances in better order. (I think loss of income, reduced income or childcare expenses contribute significantly to the parental stress level.)
I'd also like to recommend a terrific book called, "Becoming the Parent You Want To Be", by Laura Davis and Janice Keyser. Unlike the multitude of books that focus solely on children't development, this one helps encourage PARENT'S development. I have found it invaluable whenever I've felt really at a loss with my parenting.
I am expecting my second child as well, and initially had some anxiety over how I will respond to a second (and still have some apprehensions). However, after I told my son (who is 5 years old) about the baby and saw his reaction, which was pure excitement, many of my concerns have melted. I have included my son is helping us choose names, have showed him the sonogram pictures, and talk to him quite frequently about what it will be like to have a baby around the house. By doing this I have realized that this second child is simply an addition to what I now have vs. something that will take away from my current situation.
I also try to remind myself what it was like growing up as an only child for many years (until my parents seperated, remarried, and gave a LARGE family of step-siblings who I am very close with today). I can remember wanting to have a baby brother or sister to either play with or dote on. I also think of what it would be like for my son in twenty years if he didn't have any siblings. As adults we can sometimes find our closest friends in those we have grown up with.
Change is scary, yet inevitable - regardless of what the situation is. Hang in there, and visualize this child you are about to be blessed with. I'm sure that many fears will just fade away the minute that child arrives. Good luck!
This is in response to the mother who is worried she won't love her second child as much as her first. Don't worry! It's a totally natural reaction. I remember I was almost due to deliver my second daughter before I bought her anything -- and that was a nightlight for her room. It It was so different from the excitement I felt when expecting my first daughter. But those little babies have a way of growing on you. It's natural to mourn the loss of the special relationship you have with your first child, but you will be amazed how easily your heart opens up to love and adore another child. In addition, you get to enjoy the relationship between the children. You will see you that you will soon love both of them equally.
I am in a similar situation, but resigning myself to the apprehension in several ways (all focusing on the positive aspects of having two.) The first is that I think our son will actually benefit from less attention from us - not that he'll appreciate it, but he has just turned 5 & has all the signs of doted-upon only-childness, most of which are not particularly attractive at the moment. (He's not really "spoiled", just very self-centered & demanding.) We spent the weekend with my grandparents & got the usual advice about how we overdo with him, but this time I really listened. My grandmother had 6 children & a philosophy that "benign neglect" was the best way to bring them up. I hope to veer more in that direction. Second, I was halfway an only child, & am the only child of my mother. I only wish that I had some sibling support in dealing with her now. And I adore my half-brothers. Though things weren't always perfect, I don't know what I'd do without them. Finally, I have paid careful attention to others I know who have been through this, and apparently it's all over pretty fast. As with a first child, I think parents get used to the situation almost right away (not always so with siblings... When I was 5, I told my stepmother to send my brother back, so I'm expecting no less from my son!) My sister-in-law said she had one long moment of misery right after coming home from the hospital - "How could I have done this to him?!" but then it passed! And, I've heard the love is entirely equal, and the admiration is equal, but different, bc everyone has different qualities to admire. I think parents' hearts just get bigger & bigger. A really good book is "And Baby Makes Four" by Hilory Wagner. Read it & you won't feel the least bit odd or alone. (As far as husbands, my experience has been that there is almost never a time without problems - some are mild, some are worse. But no matter what happens, I doubt that either of you will ever regret having this child.)
Birth of a Second Child from www.kidsheath.org
The happiness and love that your first baby brought into your life is beyond measure, and now you're thrilled to learn you are expecting another child. Although you've been through pregnancy and childbirth before, you now have added responsibilities and considerations in order to prepare for your second child. Fortunately, preparing for a second child can be as rewarding and special as the first time. Helping your older child understand what to expect can lessen anxiety for both of you, and being aware of the changes involved in having a second child is the best way to prepare for this joyous event.
What Will Change?
Bringing about a second child and handling two children can be a bit overwhelming at first . Getting organized before the baby is born is your best bet, even though that might be a bit more challenging than it was the first time around. Because your time will be restricted, you'll be busier - your once organized schedule may be stretched to the limit. Sleeping and meal schedules will fluctuate and will depend on the age of your older child.
You may also tire more easily, even before the baby is born, since caring for your older child while pregnant takes a lot of energy. After the birth, the first 6 to 8 weeks can be particularly demanding, because your main job will be trying to get your infant on a feeding and sleeping schedule, while anticipating your older child's needs and changing emotions.
One positive change that a second child brings is an increased confidence in your own abilities, knowledge, and experience. That is, the things that seemed so difficult with your first child - breast-feeding, changing diapers, handling illness - will seem like second nature to you instead of a full-blown crisis.
How Will It Affect You?
Bringing home a new baby will affect you in many ways - some physically and others emotionally. Increased exhaustion and mild anxiety is a normal occurrence after having a child.
The "baby blues" can be a frightening experience, but you don't have to endure feelings of depression by yourself. Talk to your doctor about your symptoms. It's important to differentiate between a simple case of the "baby blues," which usually passes within a few weeks, and postpartum depression, a serious disorder that can lead to mood and sleep problems if untreated. If you begin to feel very depressed or anxious, or have thoughts about harming yourself or your baby, seek the help of your doctor immediately.
Physically, you are likely to be sore and very tired, particularly if you had a difficult birth or cesarean delivery. This makes all-night feeding sessions especially tough for you, if you have decided to breast-feed your child.
Seeking the help of a postpartum "doula" during the day can allow you to catch up on sorely needed rest and sleep. A postpartum doula is a specially trained woman who cares for mother and baby during the first couple of weeks after delivery.
If you work outside the home, you may be unsure about the future of your career. Making a decision about whether to return to your job is an important one; enlist the support of your family and friends when weighing all of your options.
Don't be surprised if you feel concerned about bonding with your new child. It may be difficult to understand that you will have just as much love for your new arrival as you do for your older child - but you will. As moms and dads often report, a parent's love somehow doubles when another child is born.
You will notice that you have little or no time for yourself during the first few months following delivery. Sleepless nights and everyday tensions can be overwhelming, so be sure to make "alone time" a priority for you. Likewise, you and your partner will notice that you're rarely
spending time together, so be sure to have an occasional date once things settle down.
Helping Your First Child Adjust
There are a number of tips that can help you cope with the added responsibilities of having a second child. Some of them are things you can do before the baby is born.
Reviewed by: Elana Pearl Ben-Joseph, MDDate reviewed: October 2007Originally reviewed by: Aviva Katz, MD
I'm attempting to compile a few articles and research findings to illustrate a range of feelings that are experienced by other women pregnant with there second child.
A few thoughts from www.helium.com - about what helium.com is about.
Who are our writers? People like you who might have a career in marketing but know more about killing crabgrass than anyone else. People who work in the post office but have raised five honors students. Ex-teachers who love to write and writers who love to teach. We’re not a blog or a collection of edited encyclopedic listings. We are a vast resource of experience-based knowledge, wisdom and creativity. We welcome a variety of voices and opinions. Above all,
we’re a community serious about writing articles of lasting value. Our writers are also our editors.
by Sara Johnson
"I cannot do this. I just CAN'T." I hear that in my own head all too often these days. Nearing the end of my second pregnancy, I'm feeling oddly inadequate, insufficient, and to be blunt, unloved. I know it's ridiculous, as any parent of a toddler knows, you are needed and loved unconditionally. However as I'm about to go from being a mother of one to being a mother of two, I feel as though I won't know how to handle the new baby, and I know I'm not alone.
Fears of an impending expansion to a family effect everyone involved. Older siblings feel they may be left out. Fathers worry about the extra financial responsibility. Everyone knows these things. But who thinks about how the mother feels? Well I'm here to let you know that these feelings are not only okay, but natural, normal and healthy as well.
When my first child was born a year and a half ago, I had no fears. I knew how to handle newborns. Changing, feeding, bathing, it all came naturally to me. I had nieces and nephews I'd cared for. I'd babysat. I had a little sister. I didn't worry about sleep. I didn't worry about routines or schedules. I was excited and counted down to the very second she was born. But now...I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my second daughter, and I'm scared half to death. Will she fall into my 18-month-old's schedule? Will she keep me up all night? Will she wake my toddler at night if they share a room? Will she have colic like my first? My mind is riddled with questions. And I'm EXTREMELY nervous.
So I went to the first person all women go to with questions of parenting, my mother. Come to find out, I wasn't alone. "The first one is easy. You let them do their own thing and develop their own system of when things get done and how and you just follow along, guiding them. Then, you have the second one. Everything seems like it's going overboard. New schedule, new routine. But trust me, it's going to be okay." And that's all my mother said. But was she right?
Turns out, she was. Baby's are incredibly adaptable. It may take them a few weeks to settle into life outside your tummy, but once they do, they fit right in. Yes, my toddler may have trouble sleeping for a few nights once the new baby comes. Sure, she may be jealous of her new baby sister at first. I know I may not get all of the naps I do now during the day after I deliver, but all of that's okay. I will manage. I will juggle toddler and newborn feeding habits, potty habits, and sleep habits. I will have enough time and love for both of my children, my husband, and myself. I will make it through, day by day. And so will you. Because nothing is as important as bringing life into the world, and nothing that important could ever keep a mom down.
The Berkeley Parenting Network - contains thousands of pages of recommendations and advice contributed by members of the Berkeley Parents Network, a parent-to-parent email network for the community of parents in the Berkeley, California area. Formerly called "UCB Parents", this network is run by a group of volunteer parents in their "spare" time. We've been doing it since 1993. Many busy parents have taken the time to enlighten and inform us with their suggestions, their wisdom, and their experience, archived here for all who need it.
Here's a thread that I thought was appropriate for us.
Pregnant with second child and feeling apprehensive
March 2000
I have a one year old daughter and am almost 5 months pregnant with another baby. I've been in emotional turmoil ever since I found out I was pregnant with all sorts of guilt and reluctant feelings. Obviously we are thrilled to be pregnant again. We DID want to have our children close together in age but this close was, indeed, a surprise. My emotions range from anger that we could let this happen to extreme guilt with my daughter for not being there 100% for her now (as I'm pregnant) and in the future when we have a newborn. I feel like I, now, can't give her all I would I want to give her emotionally and physically. I'm somehow "jealous" of my time with her. I also just CANNOT imagine loving another child as much as I love and adore her and I have this horrifyingly, awful fear that the new baby would feel less loved and wanted. I know I've heard people say this sort of statement before...but truly I can't imagine it. Are people really being honest when they say they DO love their second children just as much? Aren't the first ones so special? Will I have just as strong feelings for our new baby? I would like to hear from other parents who have been through this same situation. I appreciate your help.
I am a mother of two, and I have a couple of thoughts on the second child issue. It is a fact that your relationship with your first child is unlike your relationship with any later children. The arrival of your first child transformed you into a parent. That is one of the most intense experiences of anyone's life. Your feelings toward your first child will always be affected by this unique experience you shared. Second, remember that although your first child will lose something when she has to share you, she will also gain something - a brother or sister! Now, she may not always appreciate the wonderfulness of this gift, especially when they are both little, but in the long run she will. My kids are four years apart, so the older one and I had an exclusive relationship (I am a single parent) for four years before the second one came along. So we have a history together that is not shared with the younger one. Also, the second does get the short end of the stick in many ways, she gets the hand-me-down clothes & toys, the older one is the leader in choosing most activities, what to watch on TV, etc. I frankly find the older one's life and thoughts more interesting just because she's older, and she always will be ... so does this mean I love the second one less? I don't know, it's just different. Second kids are resilient, they've never been an only kid so it seems natural to them to share a parent. I'll be interested in hearing what other people have to say!
What you describe is what every Mom who loves her first child feels. It seems so disloyal to have a second, and so self-evident that there is no way you could love another child as you do the one you already have. But believe me, when the second child comes you will love him or her as intensely as you love the first. You will never love them the same; they are different people. But you will love them both fiercely and without reservation. I felt exactly as you did when pregnant with my second. My first child was my wonderful and unique bundle of brilliance and intensity. My second child is my warm little ray of sunshine. They are so very different, and my relationships with them so completely different, but I cannot imagine life without either one of them. As to depriving the first, there is a reality to the concern: time is finite, and sharing Mom means less time. But a sibling is a net positive, not a negative. My parents' best gifts to me were my three siblings.
My sister is 16 months younger than me. When she was born, rather than being jealous, I treated her as a wonderful new doll, as my mom tells. It was wonderful to grow up with her.
How could you possibly connect with any other child as you do with this one? The reason you'll be able to do so is the same reason you're now able to connect with your daughter: You're unique. So is she. So is your second child. You'll create and grow a whole new relationship with this next one, just as you did with his or her sister.
Think about this: Back before you had any children, could you imagine ever loving someone the way you do your daughter? But you do now. Trust me--or, rather, trust yourself: you really do have it in you to adore your second child and be a good mother to both.
(This also sounds like support group time to me. If you can't find one listed in Parents' Press or something, place an ad there or in the Express--or right here in the UCB parents' network--and start your own group. It's truly worth the babysitter money.)
My second son was a complete surprise -- we had just decided to stop having kids! -- and I was happy to hear I was pregnent, yet... I spent a lot of my pregnancy ignoring the baby yet worrying about it; mourning the loss of my alone time with my older son; worrying I would never love this new baby like I love my older son; mad that I could not go back to work as I had planned; and angry that I would not get the "me" time I was craving now that a baby was coming. He was born - awful labor and delivery - and I loved him, but it was not the same as my first. I did everything I was supposed to do and cared, but... It took a good three months for me to fall in love with him. Now, I cannot imagine my life or family without him. I was (am) able to love both my children - differently since they are different people -- but equally. To top it off, I am an only child so I was nervous about the whole sibling thing. My older son was thrilled to have a brother and was rarely jealous (until now - 20 months later). I truly do love both my chidren and I realized when my second was born that the best thing I ever gave my older son was a sibling AND that this second child filled a hole in our family that I didn't realize was there until he arrived. Hope this helps.
To the mom who is experiencing intense emotions around pregnancy with the 2nd child: I think you are well within the range of what is called normal. Your description of feelings reminds me of how I used to get when my hormones were high, low and/ or running amok, especially as during pregnancy. I almost felt as if I had been taken over by another being, which, in a sense, is literally the case, but I experienced it in a much more Sci-Fi kind of way, as if I were on Heavy Drugs. I believe that hormones do affect some (not all) sensitive women that way, and I have been one. Since I am a feminist, I don't think I am being sexist, either, in reporting that some women do have lower thresholds for hormone reactions. I am a nurse as well, and it reminds me of some (not all) people's sensitivity to drugs. I was the owner of a whacked out menarche-adolescence (bad depression, suicidal ideation), horrific PMS (the chain saw murders, cars off cliffs kind), a pregnancy that produced a mental state like waking dreams, an unbelievable 3 day home labor (and birth) that felt like repeated shotgun blasts to the abdomen for the duration, and years later D and C for which I was given Pitocin (oxytocin, the hormone that causes uterine contractions and is connected to lactation) and had florid hallucinations--the real thing-- until the second it was discontinued, and a menopause that is like a train wreck connected to a fatal disease that I have described as PMS to the 400th power experienced while hallucinating on an LSD overdose. Other than these episodes, I have been fine and had a good life! I wish someone had early on given me an owner's manual for this body! It even fooled a nurse.
So for a pregnant mom to be obsessing about the pregnancy and her life with closely- spaced kids sounds normal to me. And the words you used sound like the sort of hyper emotionality I experienced. Here are the ones I noticed in your post: anger --extreme guilt --"jealous" --CANNOT imagine loving another child as much as I love and adore her --horrifyingly, awful fear-- strong feelings. Pregnancy for some women feels like that. Welcome to the club, sister. You will probably feel a lot better after the baby has arrived. Finally, many people try to have 2 kids close together so they can be playmates. Such a deal. Hope you feel better.
I recall one evening, now long ago, pregnant with my son, on the phone with a friend of mine who runs a Montessori pre-school. And I was sharing my concerns about the loss of my relationship with my daughter (who turned two just after her brother's arrival). I vividly recall her saying that in fact having a sibling was the greatest gift I could give to my daughter, that I wouldn't love them in the same way but that the heart is capable of vastness. Today, our kids are best buddies, they kiss each other goodmorning and goodnight every day, they totally look out for each other, they certainly piss each other off but they know that they each belong to this family and to each other. They share a room and use each other as a workshop to learn about being a social being in the world. I go to great lengths to restrain myself from interfering and let them work things out, intervening only when there is physical pain inflicted from one to the other. I would definitely recommend Faber and Maslich's "Siblings Without Rivalry." And by the way, my kids are just shy of 6 1/2 and 4 1/2.
And yes, your relationship with your firstborn will change, and the change may involve some sadness and longing, but you are also adding immeasurably to each of your lives. And you will love your second differently, but I would venture no less. Each child brings so unique gifts to his or her family, regardless of birth order. Best wishes.
Being the older child in a family of two daughters born 18 months apart, I would offer this advice (which I wish someone could have given my own parents at the time.) BTW, I applaud your honesty, concern and willingness to seek advice on the issue.
* Give the older child as much of a role in the care and loving of the little one as possible. He-She'll be what, 14 months when her sibling is born? Before the baby is drinking out of cups she might be able to feed it from a bottle with a parent's supervision. I think this might be very important. If she has any inclination to, let her care for the baby as much as possible. When she's 3 or 4 maybe she can have the responsibility of "baby-sitting" while you're in another room or in the backyard. Most healthy baby's are way more resilient than we believe them to be. If the first child is a bit awkward in handling the baby (as long as it's not intentionally rough) the babe will survive and the children may bond. That's the most important thing.
* And pamper yourself so you don't feel martyred by the incredible demands on your time, sleep and sanity made by caring for two little ones. Maybe a weekly massage (my own chosen self-indulgence) or something like that.
* If things get bad, Get help! Good luck. I think your self-insight and openness to help will create a loving family.
July 1999
I am expecting my second child soon. Has anyone experienced apprehensions over having a second child, such as whether or not they would be able to equally love, and admire the second as the first? I also feel slightly worried that my husband and I might have rushed into having a second vs. working on some problems we are experiencing. I just can't imagine taking away from the attention that I now give to my daughter. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? Thank you in advance for any advice offered.
I think almost every mother alive has experienced apprehensions over having a second child. I had a hard time bonding with my second child, we had a difficult time establishing our nursing routine, etc. I cried in the pediatrician's office worried that I would never be able to love this child as much as my much beloved and admired first born. She gave me some very sage advice. She said, don't worry. As soon as you think you think you could never love one as much as the other they will flip-flop. And, now at ages 13 and 15 I can assure you that they have---and many times. We are currently in a stage where the 13 year old old is great fun to be with and the 15 year old not so. Relax, you will love them both. That said, you should know that the connection with that first born is a forever thing (which is why first borns can be so weird---sorry all you first borns, I'm a second born ;-) Re: problems with your husband---hang in there. After 20 years of marriage we have had dry spells and wonderful times, keep talking, keep loving, and don't expect perfection. July 1999
I, too, was apprehensive about having a second child. I was absolutely stunned to discover one day, while my first child was only 9 months old, that I was pregnant again. I immediately fell into a depression and felt like my whole world was falling apart. My daughter's pediatrician immediately noticed that I was unhappy about the pregnancy and questioned me closely about my feelings and our family life throughout my pregnancy. I even discussed having an abortion with my husband, which was a big step for me as I have a strong ethical opposition to abortion. I also felt that my marriage wasn't strong enough to justify a second child. In the end, I proceeded with the pregnancy, but all the way up until the day she was born, I had the same doubts about whether she was wanted and whether I would ever love her the way I did her older sister.
My second surprise came when she was born. All of my doubts vanished the moment I saw her, and I bonded to this child instantly in a way that took months with my first child. I didn't want to let anyone else feed her (and she felt the same way -- refused to have anything to do with a bottle), and I spent every moment of my maternity leave with her. The mother's group I had with my older daughter wanted to get together with me to see the new baby, and somehow I just couldn't find the time. I was too busy having those magical three months with just me and my infant. My husband just rolled his eyes over what he called the "love fest" between us, and I guess it was true. It was very difficult for him to get time with either one of us. Even now, at coming up on 4 years, my younger daughter and I have a stronger emotional bond with each other than with my older daughter or husband.
Oh, boy, I sure had these feelings and I'd bet so has every other mother (and father) of more than one child! There are lots of books and articles on the subject for you and your husband to look at.
Here's something simple I read that made me feel much better: A parent's love is like the flame of a candle. It will light one or many candles and never diminish. And the light grows with every newly lighted candle.
Another way to put it, the sum of a family's love is greater than its parts.
I had the same concerns when I was about to have my second child. My older son was barely two when my second son was born, and I was worried both that I wouldn't be able to love my second son as much as my first and that I wouldn't be able to give my first son the love and attention he needed after his brother was born. What I found instead was that I bonded deeply with my second son, but that my love for my older son stayed just as strong as it had been, and maybe even grew stronger when I saw him learning to be a big brother. And from the beginning, there was no question of having to take love away from one to give to the other. My experience is that it's not a question of whether I love them both "equally"--instead, I love them both totally, as if I'd grown a whole new heart for loving each of them. >From the beginning, each of them was such as individual that I responded to each one as an individual person. There's no doubt that you'll have less time for each of them than you did when you had only one--but I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as they both know that you love them. It's also possible to combine a lot of activities, like reading or singing to the older child while you nurse the younger child, or playing silly hide-and-seek games with both of them. (You'll have a lot less time for yourself, of course, but that's another story!) And there are real benefits for the children. My two little guys play a lot together and get a lot of enjoyment and companionship from each other, and they've each learned from each other, too--my four-year-old has had to learn to share (hard lesson!) and to take someone else's feelings into consideration, and my two-year-old has great physical skills because he's always trying to keep up with his older brother. They fight, too, of course, but on the whole I think that each of them has gotten a lot out of having a brother and they both know that my husband and I love them.
I felt exactly the same way. My son was only 16 months old when I had my second one. I remember holding my second son in the hospital, looking at him and wondering if I could love him as much as the first. My feelings must've changed within a day, for I don't remember asking myself that question any other time. I do remember feeling sorry for the older one for he was no longer the baby, and I felt that he was cheated out of fully enjoying that babyhood. but my boys have always been best friends and they feel very sorry for anyone else that does not have a sibling (they're now 18 and 19).
While I was pregnant with my second child I too felt extremely apprehensive about "messing up" a great family. After my second child was born, i don't think i boded with her as quickly as I did with number 1--none of the hours of "adoring" that I lavished on my first as a newborn. But after a few months (?) I did fall in love with her too. Now (4 yrs later) I am so happy that I had another child. The 2 kids love each other and mostly get along great (except when they're ready to strangle each other!).
So I want to say I've been there, and it will be hard, but I think you'll be glad you did it. A great book that you might enjoy (someone else also asked for a book about siblings sometime ago) is "Siblings without Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish, the same people who wrote "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and..."
I think it's completely normal (& even expected) to feel apprehensive about the upcoming birth of one's second child. Most people I've talked to have had these feelings and I know I certainly did. So much of my life and attention was (& still is!) focused on my first son that I couldn't imagine how I could find room for my second child. I also felt like my life as a parent finally had a rythym to it (he finally slept at night, didn't need to lug around all the baby paraphanalia any more etc) and I wasn't sure how I'd do once a second child came along. At times I even felt guilty that I would somehow let my first son down by having a second one! Just as all the questions and doubts that swirl around in the head of a parent expecting their first child have a way of dissapating once they hold their child and fall in love with him/her, so do doubts about one's second child. Taking care of the needs of 2 little people who rely on you can definately can be more stressful but you get progressively more creative to get everything done that needs to be done...and the house gets messier... Still, I love to see the evolving relationship between my sons, I'm more tired but I have no regrets even though I DID have lots of ambivalence during my pregnancy. Good Luck!
It took us years to work up to having a second child. We wanted the first one so very much, I thought only fair to hold off on the second until we wanted it just as much. Didn't happen--biology ruled otherwise. It wasn't a problem, though. I think most parents regard their first child as the World's First Baby, while for the second they have a more realistic perspective--we have dozens of photographs of our first child, and comparatively few of our second, poor thing!
But all that being said, we do love them equally. That's never been a problem. True, we weren't as gaga about #2 as we were about #1; but that's sentimentality, not love. Maybe #2 is a little better off for that--he's had love, not gush.
Regarding couple/marital problems: it's a good sign that they survived the first kid, but the second will stress the marriage too. Maybe this is a good time to work on them.
To respond to the poster asking whether marital stress was normal with the growing of a family: My husband and I have found it to be extremely hard on the marriage. We love our child very much and he was a wanted and planned baby, but our relationship has certainly been through a lot of rough patches since he joined our life! We began couples counseling 8 months ago, and bit by bit we're getting things back together. (Our situation is more complicated than some, to be sure.) Almost all of my friends from my mother's group have or are experiencing similar difficulties. In fact we've just decided to postpone getting pregnant with a second indefinitely - until we're less stressed, and our finances in better order. (I think loss of income, reduced income or childcare expenses contribute significantly to the parental stress level.)
I'd also like to recommend a terrific book called, "Becoming the Parent You Want To Be", by Laura Davis and Janice Keyser. Unlike the multitude of books that focus solely on children't development, this one helps encourage PARENT'S development. I have found it invaluable whenever I've felt really at a loss with my parenting.
I am expecting my second child as well, and initially had some anxiety over how I will respond to a second (and still have some apprehensions). However, after I told my son (who is 5 years old) about the baby and saw his reaction, which was pure excitement, many of my concerns have melted. I have included my son is helping us choose names, have showed him the sonogram pictures, and talk to him quite frequently about what it will be like to have a baby around the house. By doing this I have realized that this second child is simply an addition to what I now have vs. something that will take away from my current situation.
I also try to remind myself what it was like growing up as an only child for many years (until my parents seperated, remarried, and gave a LARGE family of step-siblings who I am very close with today). I can remember wanting to have a baby brother or sister to either play with or dote on. I also think of what it would be like for my son in twenty years if he didn't have any siblings. As adults we can sometimes find our closest friends in those we have grown up with.
Change is scary, yet inevitable - regardless of what the situation is. Hang in there, and visualize this child you are about to be blessed with. I'm sure that many fears will just fade away the minute that child arrives. Good luck!
This is in response to the mother who is worried she won't love her second child as much as her first. Don't worry! It's a totally natural reaction. I remember I was almost due to deliver my second daughter before I bought her anything -- and that was a nightlight for her room. It It was so different from the excitement I felt when expecting my first daughter. But those little babies have a way of growing on you. It's natural to mourn the loss of the special relationship you have with your first child, but you will be amazed how easily your heart opens up to love and adore another child. In addition, you get to enjoy the relationship between the children. You will see you that you will soon love both of them equally.
I am in a similar situation, but resigning myself to the apprehension in several ways (all focusing on the positive aspects of having two.) The first is that I think our son will actually benefit from less attention from us - not that he'll appreciate it, but he has just turned 5 & has all the signs of doted-upon only-childness, most of which are not particularly attractive at the moment. (He's not really "spoiled", just very self-centered & demanding.) We spent the weekend with my grandparents & got the usual advice about how we overdo with him, but this time I really listened. My grandmother had 6 children & a philosophy that "benign neglect" was the best way to bring them up. I hope to veer more in that direction. Second, I was halfway an only child, & am the only child of my mother. I only wish that I had some sibling support in dealing with her now. And I adore my half-brothers. Though things weren't always perfect, I don't know what I'd do without them. Finally, I have paid careful attention to others I know who have been through this, and apparently it's all over pretty fast. As with a first child, I think parents get used to the situation almost right away (not always so with siblings... When I was 5, I told my stepmother to send my brother back, so I'm expecting no less from my son!) My sister-in-law said she had one long moment of misery right after coming home from the hospital - "How could I have done this to him?!" but then it passed! And, I've heard the love is entirely equal, and the admiration is equal, but different, bc everyone has different qualities to admire. I think parents' hearts just get bigger & bigger. A really good book is "And Baby Makes Four" by Hilory Wagner. Read it & you won't feel the least bit odd or alone. (As far as husbands, my experience has been that there is almost never a time without problems - some are mild, some are worse. But no matter what happens, I doubt that either of you will ever regret having this child.)
Birth of a Second Child from www.kidsheath.org
The happiness and love that your first baby brought into your life is beyond measure, and now you're thrilled to learn you are expecting another child. Although you've been through pregnancy and childbirth before, you now have added responsibilities and considerations in order to prepare for your second child. Fortunately, preparing for a second child can be as rewarding and special as the first time. Helping your older child understand what to expect can lessen anxiety for both of you, and being aware of the changes involved in having a second child is the best way to prepare for this joyous event.
What Will Change?
Bringing about a second child and handling two children can be a bit overwhelming at first . Getting organized before the baby is born is your best bet, even though that might be a bit more challenging than it was the first time around. Because your time will be restricted, you'll be busier - your once organized schedule may be stretched to the limit. Sleeping and meal schedules will fluctuate and will depend on the age of your older child.
You may also tire more easily, even before the baby is born, since caring for your older child while pregnant takes a lot of energy. After the birth, the first 6 to 8 weeks can be particularly demanding, because your main job will be trying to get your infant on a feeding and sleeping schedule, while anticipating your older child's needs and changing emotions.
One positive change that a second child brings is an increased confidence in your own abilities, knowledge, and experience. That is, the things that seemed so difficult with your first child - breast-feeding, changing diapers, handling illness - will seem like second nature to you instead of a full-blown crisis.
How Will It Affect You?
Bringing home a new baby will affect you in many ways - some physically and others emotionally. Increased exhaustion and mild anxiety is a normal occurrence after having a child.
The "baby blues" can be a frightening experience, but you don't have to endure feelings of depression by yourself. Talk to your doctor about your symptoms. It's important to differentiate between a simple case of the "baby blues," which usually passes within a few weeks, and postpartum depression, a serious disorder that can lead to mood and sleep problems if untreated. If you begin to feel very depressed or anxious, or have thoughts about harming yourself or your baby, seek the help of your doctor immediately.
Physically, you are likely to be sore and very tired, particularly if you had a difficult birth or cesarean delivery. This makes all-night feeding sessions especially tough for you, if you have decided to breast-feed your child.
Seeking the help of a postpartum "doula" during the day can allow you to catch up on sorely needed rest and sleep. A postpartum doula is a specially trained woman who cares for mother and baby during the first couple of weeks after delivery.
If you work outside the home, you may be unsure about the future of your career. Making a decision about whether to return to your job is an important one; enlist the support of your family and friends when weighing all of your options.
Don't be surprised if you feel concerned about bonding with your new child. It may be difficult to understand that you will have just as much love for your new arrival as you do for your older child - but you will. As moms and dads often report, a parent's love somehow doubles when another child is born.
You will notice that you have little or no time for yourself during the first few months following delivery. Sleepless nights and everyday tensions can be overwhelming, so be sure to make "alone time" a priority for you. Likewise, you and your partner will notice that you're rarely
spending time together, so be sure to have an occasional date once things settle down.
Helping Your First Child Adjust
- Your first child may experience a range of emotions, from jealousy to excitement and even resentment. Younger toddlers are unable to verbalize their feelings, and their behaviors may regress after the new child is born. They might suck their thumb, drink from a bottle, forget their recent potty training skills, and communicate using baby talk in an effort to get your attention.
- Older toddlers and children might express their feelings by testing your patience, misbehaving, throwing tantrums, or refusing to eat. These problems are usually transient, and a little preparation can go a long way in helping your older child adjust to the idea of welcoming a new sibling. A good idea is to play up the role of older sibling. There are a number of things that can help you achieve this, such as:
- Letting your older child help pick out items for the new baby's room. If your children will be sharing a bedroom, this is particularly important.
- Finding a special gift that your older child might like to share with the baby, such as a favorite book or toy, or a photo of the sibling for the baby's room. You might also want to pick out something for your older child too, such as a special chair just for him or her that he or she can sit in while you're feeding the baby.
- Arranging special time just for you and your older child. This might involve a trip to the library, grocery store, or simply reading a few extra stories at bedtime. Your partner can help you by caring for the baby during these times.
- Role-playing or reading stories to your child that will help him or her understand what is happening in the family. There are several books written especially for toddlers that can help. Check a local bookstore or ask your librarian for specific titles.
- Preparing your child for what to expect when the baby comes home. This includes explaining that a new baby cries, sleeps, and needs diaper changes frequently. Assure your older child that although the new baby needs lots of attention, there will still be plenty of time and love for him or her.
- Reinforcing your older child's role in the family. Tell your child that he or she will be the "big brother/sister" to the new baby, and let your child revel in this new role. Consider taking your child on one of your prenatal visits or letting him or her be present for an ultrasound. If you're giving birth in a hospital setting, ask about sibling visitation after the baby is born.
The arrival of a new child represents a big shift in your older child's life, so you might want to hold off on introducing other major changes. This is probably not the best time to start toilet teaching, to begin the transition from bottle to cup, or to enroll your child in a program where he or she will be separated from you for the first time. Consistency will go a long way in making your child's adjustment easier. - Siblings play a very special role in your new baby's life, so don't leave your first child out of the decision-making. So much attention (baby showers, new furniture, clothes, toys) is lavished on the new baby, making it easy for the older child to feel overlooked. Reassure your child that he or she is as special as the new addition by letting him or her participate in the flurry of activity.
There are a number of tips that can help you cope with the added responsibilities of having a second child. Some of them are things you can do before the baby is born.
- Stock the house with dry foods or quick, easy dinners. If you feel up to cooking, make double portions and freeze them, because finding energy at the end of the day will be difficult once the baby is born. Keep a few menus of take-out food restaurants readily available, including a few that deliver.
- Reorganize your laundry room, using one hamper per family member or a basket for each child so it's easier to sort and fold clothing. Laundry is usually the biggest complaint of a new mom - it seems to quadruple when another child arrives, so now is the time to prepare.
If possible, make use of the items you already have on hand (or that family members are willing to share with you) rather than feeling as if you have to go out and buy all new things. Hand-me-downs such as cribs, bassinets, strollers, high chairs, and clothes can help save time and money.
Treat yourself to a few movies, and don't watch them until the baby is born. It will help get you through those late-night feedings. - Stock the car with a diaper bag filled with all the necessary extras so you'll always be prepared. Many mothers keep a toy bag in the car for the older child and a diaper bag with diapers, wipes, and an extra blanket for the baby.
- Keep a book or toy bin handy in your bedroom, family room, and even the bathroom or laundry room, to keep your children busy for a few precious moments if an unexpected problem crops up.
- Ask a family member to spend time with you right after the baby's birth, if you feel comfortable doing so. Not only will he or she enjoy it, but you may be able to get some much-needed rest.
Use babysitting services or a housekeeper, if possible, who can come in once a week for a month or two to help you with chores that are too strenuous and exhausting. - Look to your community or place of worship for support. There are countless programs and classes available that provide activities and social support for families with young children.
- Don't forget to take care of your own needs. Pamper yourself, even if it's something as simple as a haircut or a bath with candles and music, to help you relax after a trying day.
Reviewed by: Elana Pearl Ben-Joseph, MDDate reviewed: October 2007Originally reviewed by: Aviva Katz, MD
Sunday, February 3, 2008
2nd baby like the first?
People deal with these things everyday. We are not different. I had a feeling it was coming, the feeling that the second child won't get the same attention as the first. The feeling, how can we possibly make the time and treat the second with as much eagerness and excitement as the first. Will the second's personality be different? I'm sure there's research. Will it make us feel better? Are we making too much of this? ????? Our mental approach, which is the best in the history of perfect enviroments for families and raising children, in my opinion, can't get much better. My wife and I can talk about anything. This is of course after some sort of emotional outburst, but after we realize why these emotional outbursts happen we regroup and move forward. (Keep moving forward-ever seen Meet the Robinsons? An animated movie that showcases the power of positive thinking and environments rather than dwelling in the past with no encouragement.) So with that in mind, I'll try and get my head around this feeling and put it to rest, for awhile anyway.
Just starting out...
This is an idea I have had for awhile, putting a blog together for purely selfish reasons and, potentially, putting them down in a bound voume. So, the Shopper Dad blog has been changed to reflect it's new format while this one with take on a different format....similiar but not limited to silly observations and real dilemna's that I deal with on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.
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